Friendly Harold's Email

Friendly Harold's Lotus Notes account is where he keeps all the mail he sends and receives. When he is away from his desk, his co-workers copy his mail files, which are later indexed and processed for viewing. Then all of it is displayed here without his knowledge.

From: Friendly Harold on 8/5/97 at 9:15 AM
Subject: Would you please date me?
Hey Mellissa,

Want to go out with me? Itll be fun

From: Friendly Harold on 8/5/97 at 9:17 AM
Subject: Would you please date me?
Hey Judy,

Want to go out with me? Itll be fun

Webscape Human Resources Department

From: HR Staff on 8/19/97 at 10:22 AM
Subject: Performance Evaluation (Friendly Harold)
Your request to review your performance evaluation has been denied. Please contact your immediate supervisor if you wish to submit another request in the future. Requests can only be resubmitted after 200 days have elapsed. Requests must be received by HR between 2:00 PM and 4:30 PM on Fridays. If the Friday in question is a holiday, or if no HR staff are on duty, the request must be resubmitted.

Your raise for this year is -$0.43.

You are currently under administrative oversight. You must submit a detailed account of your daily activities to your department supervisor. If you fail to do this, your pay will be withheld for the following four weeks.

Please contact HR in the event that you must file to have withholding of your pay terminated after such an interval.

From: Friendly Harold on 8/21/97 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Hi how are you doing
Hey Mellissa,

How has your week been going? Is your job still fun ha ha ha! My supervisor sure doesn't like me. He wrote me up again for farting. Geez, give a guy a break! I can't help it. Sometimes when I stand by my supervisor's desk I just gotta fart. What does he expect me to do? You know, you can get a hernia from holding it in.

Wanna go out Saturday night?

From: Friendly Harold on 8/22/97 at 9:03 AM
Subject: Re: Notice of Sexual Harrassment Guidelines
To Sheri Feldman, HR Supervisor,

I dont' see what I did wrong. What's wrong with sending people email? We're supposed to, right, or they wouldn't let us use it? It seems to me that certain people are just getting a little uptight. Hey, that's okay, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. But I'm not that way. Let me tell you about my experiences. When I was born my father had an epileptic seizure and died with spit spraying out of his mouth. Hey, that's a terrible thing, so I came to understand that that sort of thing can happen early on...

[1227 lines of message deleted for reasons of space]

Webscape Human Resources Department

From: HR Staff on 8/25/97 at 11:15 AM
Subject: Re: Notice of Sexual Harrassment Guidelines
This is to notify you that you have been reported for the following activities:

1) Sending suggestive email to all women in your department asking them if they would like to date you.

2) Wearing a shirt for 12 consecutive workdays which did not provide adequate cover for your overweight condition.

3) Spending an inordinate amount of time standing in your cube doing absolutely nothing. Contrary to your assertions, "thinking about doing your job" is not a satisfactory explanation, nor is "taking a stress break" for three hours.

4) Your co-worker Melissa has reported you for sending her 284 non-work-related emails over the past three weeks. Many of these are requests to reply to previous emails. According to her you have also spent a minimum of 45 minutes each day standing next to her cube and staring at her monitor, "waiting for her to say something".

5) Walking into your work area each morning and declaring in an offensively loud manner, "Hey hey hey, I wish I was very gay!"

Assuming this phrase has any meaning at all and is not simply a hollow mantra, the HR psychiatrist would like to meet with you to learn how you acquired this truly moronic habit. You will need to sign a medical waiver for some of the tests he is going to perform. You will be meeting with him in the storage basement at 8:00 AM Tuesday. This meeting is mandatory. It is not covered by Webscape's health insurance plan.

You will be reassigned to a new work area in the future. Please file the appropriate paperwork with HR so that you can be informed of where your new work area is located and what your duties will be.

From: Friendly Harold on 8/25/97 at 11:20 AM
Subject: I hope you will date me?
Hey Judy,

I would liek to go out with you tonight. I'll wait for you out by your car. I hate that Mellissa